Do You Feel It Too?
by Midie
Summary: After an incident at school, Drake confuses Josh completely. Yes, this is slash.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything about or relating to "Drake & Josh." If I did, would I be writing this fanfiction? **

A/N: This is about struggling with thoughts about people of the same sex. It is slash. If you have a problem with either or both, then don't read this story. I think that takes care of everything. Oh, and the situation in this first chapter is loosely based on someone I knew. That being said, enjoy.

* * *

"Drake?" Josh said. He looked down the stairs of Belleview High. Drake had just taken a nasty fall. Josh hoped his brother was okay. He hurried down the stairs as Mr. Calvert followed. "Drake?" he said again. 

"I'm fine," Drake said, trying to pull himself into a sitting position.

Josh looked at his brother and shook his head. Drake had been goofing off on the stairwell and tumbled down the last flight of steps. What a surprise that he fell.

"Wow, man, that was so cool," said Trevor, running down the stairs.

"Does it hurt anywhere?" Josh asked, shooting a glare in Trevor's direction.

"Well, my arm hurts a little, I guess," said Drake. He moved it. "OW! Never mind, it hurts a lot."

Josh looked at it.

"Oh, man, it looks like you might have dislocated your elbow.

"Ow," Drake said again. That wasn't something he wanted to hear.

"We're going to have to get him to a hospital," said Mr. Calvert, pulling out his cell phone. "I'll have someone get the principal and call his parents. Think you're going to be all right, Drake?"

"Sure," Drake replied. "Great." He moved. "Ow."

"Don't worry," said Trevor. "I'll even go with you."

"That's _really_ not necessary," said Drake, looking slightly worried at that.

* * *

Drake sat on the table in the emergency room. Fortunately, he'd been spared having Trevor with him since Mr. Calvert told Trevor to go back to class or he'd get a week of detention. 

Sure enough, Drake had popped his elbow out of place, and it hurt. The doctor had put it back in place and said he'd return in a few minutes. Drake sat there, looking miserable.

"Did you learn a lesson from this?" Audrey asked.

"Yes," said Drake. He sighed. He had to wear a sling for a little while, but that was it. And anyway, the girls would just baby him. It wouldn't be too terrible, except for the pain that was still shooting through his arm.

The doctor finally walked back into the room.

"Okay, Drake," he said. "I'm going to give you some pain medication. I know your arm must hurt. That should be all. You'll need to go in for a check up for that in a week or so. Your mom can make that appointment. Now, be careful with that arm. No heavy lifting, no unnecessary movement. Oh, and I hear you play guitar. You shouldn't do that while your arm is still sore either."

"Great," Drake said.

"Oh, come on," said Josh. "It isn't for that long."

"I guess so," Drake replied. He sighed. "Okay. I just want to get these painkillers so my arm feels better."

"Okay," said Audrey. "If there's nothing else, we'll leave now."

"Nope," the doctor replied. "That should be everything. If there's any more pain, don't hesitate to return."

"Thank you," said Audrey as she ushered her boys out of the hospital.

* * *

Drake climbed the stairs to the bedroom he shared with Josh and sat down on the couch. 

"No guitar," he moaned. "Why'd I have to fall?"

"Why'd you have to act like an idiot on the stairs?" Josh asked.

"Oh, forget it," said Drake. "Hey, where's those painkillers?"

"Here," said Josh, handing Drake the package from the pharmacy.

"Um," said Drake.

"What?" Josh asked.

"Would you mind opening it?"

"Oh, yeah, sorry." Josh opened it and handed Drake the correct number of pills. He looked at the bottle. "May cause drowsiness...interesting."

"I'd rather be tired than in pain."

"True that," said Josh, sitting on the couch next to Drake.

"This sling is going to bug me. Except when the girls see it."

"But you aren't going to school until Monday now, remember? You're not going anywhere."

"Oh, man. I can't even have my fun with it yet."

"Oh, calm down," said Josh. "It'll be fine. You'll be back to normal in no time."

"Yeah, right," said Drake.

Little did Josh know that he was correct, Drake would return to normal soon. However, Josh would be the one in a situation in just a few short days. And interestingly enough, as always, it would be Drake getting him into this particular situation.

* * *

Josh came home from work the next night, making his way through the house. He got up to his bedroom and tripped. He made a noise and heard Drake move in his bed. 

"What?" Drake asked. "Josh? Oh, I'm glad you're home. It's always so nice to see you."

It was evident that Drake's pain medication was working. It had the same effects that too much of Helen's painkillers had on her after her eye surgery: It made him loopier than a loopy loop.

"Yeah," said Josh. "It's always lovely to see you too." He found that humoring Drake worked best when he was in this state.

Drake glanced around quickly.

"Can you hand me that pillow?" he asked. "My arm isn't comfortable right now."

"Sure," said Josh. He grabbed the pillow Drake had been referring to and climbed up close to Drake's bed to help him fix it. "There," said Josh. "Better?"

"Yep. You're great, Josh," said Drake. "Such an awesome brother. So kind. So caring. So cute."

Wait. What? That medication sure did a number on Drake's sense of reality.

"And you're pretty handsome yourself," said Josh, getting ready to climb down from Drake's bed.

"No, I mean it," said Drake. "You are. I love you."

"I love you too, brother, now..." He suddenly stopped. He froze. He had just felt Drake's lips brush softly against his. What the hell was that? "Drake..."

"Hmm?" asked Drake. "I'm tired now. I'm going to sleep."

"Yeah..." said Josh. Drake closed his eyes and was soon sleeping soundly. Josh was still frozen in place. What had just happened? Drake had just kissed him, that's what! Josh realized where he was and carefully climbed down onto the floor. He was very confused.

Josh changed into pajamas and climbed into his own bed. The problem was, he couldn't sleep. All he could think about was what Drake had just done.

Maybe he was taking it too seriously. Drake was under pain medication. It made him completely crazy. He hadn't really meant a thing he said. Come on, Drake Parker, gay? That was ludicrous. Drake was definitely attracted to girls. How many girlfriends had he had in his lifetime? Josh had no idea what the actual number was, but he knew it was way over fifty. There was absolutely no way that Drake had meant anything he said or did while he was in that condition. Josh would be glad when Drake no longer needed the pain medication. If he acted that way without it, well, Josh could not handle that.

However, Josh's brain was constantly working, and he worried about things. What if that medication brought out a person's true thoughts and feelings? Was that possible? No. Drake liked women. There was no doubt about that. But why did he do that, even in his loopy state? Surely he had to have some common sense still. Even Helen had. Albeit very little common sense, but it was still there. Why had Drake done that? Because Josh was showing affection by helping him with his arm? Maybe. It had to be the painkillers. It just had to be those. Why else would Drake do that?

Why was Josh worrying about this the way he was? It wasn't like Drake had been in a perfectly normal state of mind and grabbed him and kissed him passionately. He had been under the influence of powerful pain medication and had just simply given him a soft kiss. Since it was only that, it must have been because Josh helped him make his arm comfortable. Yes. That was all it was.

But it still bothered Josh, and he couldn't sleep until he figured out why. Well, it had happened. Drake was a guy, and Josh was another guy. Drake had kissed him. Maybe it was just the strangeness of it all. No, people who are homosexual aren't strange. They just happen to like people of the same gender. But who expects their own brother to kiss them that way? Nobody. That had to be why Josh was reacting the way he was.

Josh turned over and tried to sleep. He found this difficult because even though he thought he answered the question, he still wasn't satisfied. Why not? Why couldn't he just believe it was the medication?

Then Josh had a thought. Maybe he didn't want it to be just the medication. Maybe he wanted it to be Drake's true feelings.

But that was silly. Josh liked girls just as much as Drake. He just didn't date the way Drake did. Josh chuckled to himself. They'd have a good laugh about this later.

Josh finally felt himself drifting off to sleep, but as he tried to fall asleep, he found himself still thinking about Drake and how nice that kiss felt.

* * *

**Another A/N: Just so you know, only kisses like that appear in this story...so if that was a concern, don't worry about it. I'm focusing on the emotional and mental, not the physical. Because I think the emotional and mental are most important. And you'll find out more as you read.**


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything about or relating to "Drake & Josh." If I did, would I be writing this fanfiction? **

**A/N: Here's interesting: "Soul Man" has just begun playing on my iPod.

* * *

**

Josh glanced at the clock a couple of hours later. It was six o'clock. He may as well get up now. He hadn't gotten much sleep. He was thinking too much about what Drake did last night. It had to be the painkiller. Drake liked girls. But Josh felt something in that soft and quick kiss. Why? He caught himself. It did mean something to him? No. It couldn't. Honestly. Josh was straight. The only type of love he'd ever feel for Drake was brotherly love. It was completely ridiculous. He laughed at himself as he got out of bed and headed into the bathroom to begin his morning routine.

* * *

The school day had never seemed this long to Josh. It was only second period, and he thought it would never end. He glanced over to the seat Drake normally occupied. Josh sighed. Did he miss him? Last night was getting to Josh's head. There was no way he really felt that way. Of course, maybe he did miss him at school a little, but that was because he was always used to Drake being there. 

Josh found himself thinking about last night's adventure again at lunch. He wished he could push the whole thing out of his mind, but how do you push your brother telling you he loves you and then kissing you out of your mind? It's not that easy. Mindy joined Josh shortly for lunch. Maybe she could help. He'd never tell her what Drake did, but maybe she could help in a different way.

"Hello," said Mindy, sitting down. "How's Drake?"

"Oh," said Josh. "He's fine. Those pain pills really make him a different person, though."

"I hear some can do that," Mindy replied. "Serves him right for acting like an idiot on those stairs. He's lucky he just hurt his elbow."

"Right," said Josh. "Listen, Mindy. I need help with something."

"Oh, really? What?"

"Well...see..." How could Josh put this? "See, I have a friend..." Right. Because that always works. "And he was at this party, and one of the other guys got drunk. The drunken guy then told my friend he loved him, and he kissed him."

"And...?" asked Mindy.

"Does that mean the drunken guy really does like my friend?"

"Well...maybe there's some hidden emotion that the alcohol brought out...but then again, maybe not. People tend to make very bad judgements under the influence of alcohol. Maybe some other idiot dared him to do it too."

"You're right," said Josh. Although, he wondered if the alcohol situation could really compare to what was in those painkillers. He squirmed in his seat. "But what if my friend felt something in that kiss? Does that make him gay?"

"Do you want to dump this guy as a friend just because he's gay?"

"Oh, no. Of course not," said Josh. "I just want to help him feel better about the situation." Normally Josh was a very bad liar. However, he did not want Mindy to figure out what he was really asking. That would not be good.

"Well," said Mindy. "If he felt something, maybe he should think about the way he does feel about this other guy. Is it really just a friendship or are there more emotions below the surface? He's gotta ask himself those questions."

"Hmm," said Josh. "Yeah, you're probably right. I'll talk to him about it. Thanks, Mindy." Josh hated lying to his girlfriend, but the alternative option of telling her it was actually him and Drake would be much worse. He was surprised she hadn't caught it. Then again, he was dating her, so why would she think he'd question his sexuality? The problem now was that Mindy's reply meant Josh had to continue to focus on his feelings about that kiss before he arrived at an answer.

* * *

Josh was working at the Premiere later that day. Things hadn't been going well so far. First, he'd been selling tickets, and he refused to sell two twelve-year-old boys tickets to a movie that was rated PG-13. They'd kicked him. Then he went to work the candy counter, and the popcorn machine broke down. So he had to deal with the customers who were upset about not getting their popcorn for their movie. 

He wished his shift was over. Then he could go home, take a nice hot shower, and do his homework. However, he still had about another hour and a half to work. Josh sighed. Maybe he didn't really want to go home anyway. That would mean looking at Drake and thinking about what happened the previous night. Josh wondered if Drake even remembered what he did. He had been under some heavy medication. Maybe he didn't recall.

Josh glanced up to see Katie Laden walk into the Premiere. Josh remembered that Drake was supposed to go on a date with her this weekend; however, Audrey said that if Drake couldn't go to school, he couldn't go on a date. Drake was upset with this and protested for a while until his mom told him he wouldn't be dating for another week after that if he didn't stop arguing with her. He quieted down after that, but he still mumbled something about "stupid stairs" after his conversation with his mother.

"Hi, Josh," said Katie, walking up to the candy counter.

"Hi," Josh responded.

"I heard what happened to Drake. I feel so bad that he has to miss our date now. Is he okay? Will he be back at school soon?"

"He's fine," Josh said. "And he'll be back at school on Monday."

"Oh, good. He promised me we'd go to whatever movie I wanted. Although, I doubt we'd actually watch it," she giggled.

"Oh, right," said Josh. He didn't know why, but he felt a strange burning sensation in his stomach when Katie mentioned not watching the movie. Whoa. That sounded like he was jealous, but he couldn't be. If he really was, that would mean he was gay, and Josh wasn't ready to accept that yet. He had to first look at his feelings and determine whether they were really true or not, like Mindy said. Besides, this had just happened last night. There was a possibility that he was just worrying himself over nothing. He'd done it many times in the past. This time might not be any different.

"Anyway," said Katie. "I really need to get going. I've got things to do today," she said, as if Josh were holding her up.

"Okay," said Josh. "See you later."

Katie left the Premiere, and Josh went back to wiping down the counter. He noticed a number of girls walk through the movie theater that Drake had dated or kissed or both. Josh felt that burning feeling in the bottom of his stomach again. Did that seriously mean he was jealous? Josh felt confused. He didn't know where to turn. Who could help him with this? Maybe if he knew what Drake was actually thinking when the kiss happened, it'd be easier for Josh to figure out his feelings. Yes, that was a good idea. When he got home, he could casually ask Drake what happened. Maybe Drake's response would help Josh. Drake didn't think he needed the pain medication today, so he tried to go without it. He would be much easier to deal with without being completely loopy.

Even though Josh had decided to question Drake about what happened first, he still wondered what would happen. What exactly would Drake say? How would Josh respond to what he said? Did Drake even know what he was doing when he kissed him? That medication made your mind crazy. Josh sighed. Everytime he came nearer to a breakthrough, the solution was still far away.

* * *

**A/N: This focuses mostly on Josh's feelings. You'll see why when he talks to Drake in tomorrow's chapter.**


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything about or relating to "Drake & Josh." If I did, would I be writing this fanfiction?**

**What happens when Josh tries to ask Drake about the kiss? Read on. Oh, and the chapters might seem a bit short. I don't know if they do to anyone, but my intention was not to make this a large twenty to thirty chapter fanfiction...I'm kind of experimenting with the slash category since I haven't tried it yet.**

* * *

Josh got home from his shift at the Premiere and headed straight to the bedroom he shared with Drake. He found Drake staring longingly at the guitar he couldn't play until his arm wasn't sore anymore. Josh smiled at this. He looked so cute when he wanted something. Josh stopped. What was that? He shook his head. No. He was just freaking out because of everything that had happened. Josh was sure after he talked to Drake that he would forget all about what happened. 

"Hey," said Josh.

Drake let out a miserable sigh. He really wanted to play that guitar.

"I ran into Katie at the Premiere. She asked if you were okay."

Drake sighed again, this time because he couldn't go out with girls.

"Would you quit with the sighing? It's not like your life is over. You'll be able to go out again soon and play your guitar again a little after that."

"I know," Drake sighed again. "I just miss them both so much."

"Did you by any chance take your pain pills today?"

"No," said Drake. "I didn't think I needed them."

"Oh," said Josh, realizing that Drake's behavior really was just Drake being Drake and that the pain medication had nothing to do with it. "Well," said Josh. "Just checking because you do some crazy things under that stuff."

"Oh, really?" asked Drake.

"Yeah, don't you remember last night?"

"What about last night?"

"I think you know."

"Know what?"

Drake either didn't have a clue or was trying very hard to not remember. Josh couldn't deal with not knowing, though.

"You kissed me."

"What?" asked Drake.

"Maybe it was the painkiller that was controlling your brain, but you kissed me."

Drake burst into laughter at the look on Josh's face.

"Really," said Drake. "Me kiss you? Yeah, right."

"You did it before."

"That's because I was trying to shut you up so I could continue impressing Michelle. You didn't even like that."

"No..." Josh had even sprayed cleaner on his face after that, so what was the difference? That the kiss Drake gave him last night was possibly out of love? Josh needed to know. "It did happen. You don't remember?"

"No," said Drake. "If I did, wow, that stuff must really make me insane. I'm glad I didn't need it today. Hopefully I won't need it tomorrow either."

"How do you not remember kissing someone, especially a guy, even when under medication?"

"I don't know. I don't remember at all. In fact, all I have is your word that I did it. I know you don't lie, but I have to wonder if it was a just dream you had. I mean, I think you're right. I probably would remember kissing a guy. Especially my brother."

"Yeah," said Josh. He frowned. "It just seemed pretty real."

"Well, sorry," said Drake. "But I don't remember anything like that happening."

"Are you positive you don't remember anything like that? I mean, I handed you a pillow, and you started complimenting me. First it was how great a guy I was. Then you said I was cute."

Drake stared at Josh as though he had just grown an extra head.

"Yeah," said Drake. "I really don't remember any of _that_ at all."

"You don't?" asked Josh.

"No. Are you sure _you_ didn't take any of my pain medicine?"

"Yes," said Josh, growing irritated. "I was just wondering. I mean, it was kind of odd." Josh didn't want to say "strange" or "weird" because it wasn't. It wasn't exactly odd either, but he had no idea what to say about it. And besides, Drake didn't remember.

"Hey," said Drake. "I'm going downstairs to get some ice cream. Mom told Megan to be nice, so I can get her to dish it up for me. Do you want some?"

"Uh, no," said Josh. He needed a moment to himself. "Hope she doesn't do anything to it."

"All right, thanks," said Drake. "See you later." He left the room leaving Josh to ponder what had just happened.

Josh sighed. Drake didn't remember? For some reason, that made Josh's heart sink. He sat down on his bed. Why did he feel this bad because Drake didn't remember? Maybe he had been right. Maybe Josh had been dreaming, but it seemed real. He couldn't have been dreaming, could he? No. It definitely wasn't a dream. That meant that Drake didn't remember.

Josh didn't know why, but that hurt him. Drake had shared something with him that was supposed to be meaningful, and he couldn't remember it? Wait. It hadn't been meaningful. They weren't gay. So why did Josh feel terrible?

If Drake didn't remember the kiss, did that mean it meant nothing to him? Why did Josh care about that? If it meant nothing to Drake, then it shouldn't mean anything to Josh. Or at least, that's how it should work in Josh's mind.

Josh struggled with his thoughts now. He couldn't like Drake. He just couldn't. He loved Mindy, his girlfriend. Drake liked girls. That was apparent. No, the kiss meant nothing to either of them. Then why did Josh feel bad that Drake had said he couldn't remember?

Josh rubbed his eyes. This whole ordeal was making him tired. He felt himself wipe tears. Why was he crying? Because Drake couldn't remember? No. That couldn't be it. Why, though? Josh sighed. It wasn't possible.

Josh sighed again. He just couldn't figure this out. His head was mixed up and everything appeared fuzzy and cloudy at the moment.


	4. Chapter 4

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything about or relating to "Drake & Josh." If I did, would I be writing this fanfiction?

* * *

**Monday was bright and sunny. The same as Drake's mood. Josh's was a deep contrast. He was still a bit confused but had spent the weekend fully convincing himself that he had absolutely no feelings toward the auburn haired boy. 

Drake was happy because he got to go back to school. That meant the girls would see him in his sling and surround him. Sure enough, as soon as Josh pulled into the parking lot and Drake got out of the car, two members of Drake's "fanclub" came toward him, looking concerned. Josh sighed. Drake would be fine for the day.

Josh headed inside the school and met Mindy just inside the door.

"Hey," she said.

"Good morning," he responded. Josh had intended to keep his thoughts away from the incident in the bedroom a few days ago, but Mindy reminded him.

"How's your friend doing?" Mindy asked.

"What?" asked Josh.

"I'm sorry. Is that being nosy? If you can't tell me, I understand."

"Oh, no," said Josh, recalling the story he'd made up. "No. He thought about it. He's doing all right, I guess."

"Oh, that's good."

"Yeah..." Josh just wanted to forget. If he forgot, it wouldn't bother him. He and Mindy turned the corner and headed to their first class.

* * *

Why did the teachers have to make a spectacle of Drake's return? He just acted like a moron and fell down the stairs. He just had his arm in a sling, there was nothing more to it than that. All the teachers had to point out that it was his right arm. Actually, Drake had argued with his mom about this. Why should he go to school if he couldn't write? She told him he could use Josh's notes for the time being, and there was also the fact that he could still listen. Megan asked why not being able to use his arm was such a problem. He never took notes anyway. Then their mom also added that if he didn't feel up to going to school, then he wasn't going to be up for any dates. Drake gave in at that. His guitar was already taken away for longer than that. He wasn't about to lose girls either. 

The girls were worse than the teachers. They crowded around him and babied him, asking him every twenty seconds if it hurt or not. And Drake was milking it for all it was worth.

Now it was lunchtime and there were about eight girls around him asking if they could help feed him. Josh felt his stomach lurch. He had a strange look on his face.

"It's sickening," said Mindy.

"Huh?" Josh asked. Then he realized she was referring to Drake. "Oh, yeah."

"I mean, it's not like he couldn't use his other hand."

"Yeah, but you know Drake," said Josh.

"I guess so," Mindy replied.

Josh couldn't help but wonder about the lurch he had suddenly felt in his stomach. He felt the same way when he talked to Katie about Drake and saw all the girls Drake had dated in the past. What was his problem? Why did that happen? Maybe because it was sickening that Drake was getting all the attention from the girls. Yes, that was it. Josh just thought Drake was taking it a little too far. The fact that the girls were crowding around him because he acted like an idiot on the stairs was absolutely ridiculous.

* * *

Josh rolled his eyes as he watched Drake leave the girls at the end of the school day. Drake got into the car on the passenger side. 

"What?" asked Drake. It was clear that Josh wasn't happy about something.

"Nothing," said Josh, mainly because he didn't even know how he felt at that moment. He did know that the amount of attention Drake was getting from all the girls was annoying him. It shouldn't because that was just something about Drake. If the girls could play nurse to him, they would.

"Are you still mad because I don't remember kissing you?"

How did he know that's what was bothering Josh? Well, it had been the last conversation they would have had that would have caused Josh to be upset he guessed.

"I'm not mad," said Josh.

"I'm sorry, but I don't remember. I don't even know if I'd want to remember."

"Oh, really?" asked Josh. That one hurt. Was that supposed to mean that Drake didn't think he was attractive enough? "What does that mean?"

"Just that I don't...why?"

"You sound like I'm not good enough for you."

"Not good enou...Josh! It doesn't matter. I like girls. Not guys. No guy would ever be attractive enough..."

"I know that. I just...never mind."

"Okay, I didn't mean that people wouldn't find you attractive, I just meant...I don't know."

"Then why say anything if you're not going to say what you mean?" Josh asked bitterly.

"Why does this bother you so much?" Drake asked.

"It doesn't," said Josh.

"You could have fooled me."

"Just forget it, okay?" said Josh.

"Fine," Drake responded. He could not understand at all why Josh was acting the way he was.

Josh started the car and drove toward home. When he got there, he headed up to their bedroom and changed for work. He left as quickly as he got home. Drake shook his head. This was ridiculous. Josh would cool down in a few hours anyway. He always did.

* * *

Josh stood at the candy counter stacking Megathon Bars. He wasn't really paying attention to what he was doing. He could not stop thinking about Drake. Josh couldn't figure out what was wrong with himself. Maybe he was coming down with some kind of flu virus. Maybe he'd feel better about this next week. 

"Josh!" said Helen, walking over to the counter. "Your stack is askew. What's the matter with you?"

"Oh, sorry, Helen," said Josh, finally glancing down at his stack. "I just haven't had the best day today. You see..."

"I don't care about that," said Helen. "Just stack." Helen walked away from Josh. He shook his head. Helen never really cared.

Josh saw Katie walk into the Premiere with Drake at that moment. Josh felt a strange feeling in his stomach. It was different from the burning sensation he'd experienced the past few days, but it was familiar too. When had he felt like this before and why?

Just then, Kathy walked into the Premiere. That was it. He'd remembered that feeling from when he liked Kathy. That was all...oh, no. This really wasn't possible. Really. It couldn't be true. Never in a million years could it be true. Josh liked girls. He kept repeating that to himself in his head as he continued stacking the candy bars.

_I like girls. I love Mindy. I like girls and Mindy. I love Mindy. I like girls. I love Mindy and girls. I like girls. I love girls. I like Mindy. I love Drake..._

Josh stopped. Oh, no. It couldn't be true at all. Had his thoughts just drifted where he thought they had? Yes. He had said in his mind that he loved Drake. But that couldn't be true, could it?

Then Josh realized. It was his head that said he loved Mindy, but it was his heart that said he loved Drake.


	5. Chapter 5

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything about or relating to "Drake & Josh." If I did, would I be writing this fanfiction? **

* * *

When Josh got home that night, he tried to go to sleep before Drake came into the room. He also tried to get up before Drake did the next morning. Actually, this wasn't a difficult task since Drake would sleep in very late as there was no school that day because of a teachers' meeting. Josh couldn't face him right now. He just couldn't look Drake in the eye yet. He had no idea what to do. He decided to head for the bookstore to think. There was no way he'd run into Drake there. Drake read a book? That was absurd. 

Josh browsed through the science fiction section and picked up a book that looked good. He bought a coffee and sat down to read. At least, he tried to read it.

He couldn't get involved in the book. His mind was elsewhere. He couldn't stop thinking about everything that had happened. Drake had kissed Josh. Josh then became frightened and had no idea whether it meant Drake liked him that way or not. Then Josh started to think he possibly had feelings for Drake. Josh had asked Drake about the kiss, and Drake said he didn't remember. Josh felt hurt. Why?

Josh suddenly recalled several moments that were more than brotherly. After they got away with riding the Demonator, Josh had stood there with his arms wrapped around Drake for a good five minutes while explaining to their parents. Was that the way he really felt? It couldn't be.

Just because he'd burned up at the sight of Drake's past girlfriends and he'd thought he was cute and he'd been disappointed when Drake said he didn't remember the kiss didn't mean that Josh had feelings for him.

Then he remembered the previous night. He'd tried to keep the kiss off of his mind, but he realized his heart was telling him he loved Drake. He _did_ have these feelings, and they weren't going away. What could Josh do? Why did it have to be Drake? If he told Drake, he'd just laugh at him and think it was a joke or something. Josh couldn't tell him. Drake Parker like another guy? No way. It just would never happen. Not in a million years.

Josh felt like crying. He didn't know what to do. Should he stay with Mindy? If Drake didn't feel the same way, there was no reason for Josh to be alone. What could he do? He couldn't admit his feelings to Drake. Drake just wouldn't accept it. Josh knew that. Well, Josh didn't really know that. Maybe Drake really did care, or if he didn't feel that way, maybe he'd be accepting of it. Yeah, right. He couldn't just tell Drake all the things he had been feeling since Drake had kissed him.

Then he had a thought. If Drake hadn't done that, would Josh have thought about this at all? Would his mind be going crazy with the thoughts he now had? It was too much to take in and Josh didn't know who to talk to about the way he felt. Who could he really talk to about this? Drake was already crossed off the list since he claimed he couldn't even remember the kiss. Megan was out of the question because she was too young. His parents were completely out of the question. Number one, they'd probably laugh and tell him that Drake probably had no idea what he was doing because of the pain medication. Number two, if he said he had feelings for Drake, they'd probably freak. They might not have a problem with Josh possibly being gay, but they might have a problem with who he was attracted to. But you couldn't help who you had feelings for, could you? But how could Josh explain this? It was all too difficult. Who could he talk to outside of his own family? Who could he turn to for advice?

He thought of Mindy. The problem was, she was his girlfriend. Would she be insulted if he told her he had feelings for Drake? Especially since she hated him. It was too hard to dance around the truth, and Mindy was smart. She'd figure it out eventually. So who did he turn to? Could he talk to Grammy? Maybe. But then how would he tell her these things? She was in Maine at the moment. He couldn't call. What if Megan was listening on the phone? And Megan somehow constantly kept guessing his passwords for his email. Grammy might not understand anyway.

Then Josh thought of someone. Helen. Well, if she'd listen, that is. She'd probably forget eventually because she forgot everything about Josh, including his name half the time. Then again, she didn't really care about him either. If she did care, she wouldn't forget his name. All she did at work was order him around and, more recently, ask how Drake was. No, Josh had nowhere to turn. He hated this.

* * *

Josh returned home to ponder this some more. He figured that maybe he should keep this to himself completely and stay with Mindy. After all, he did care about her. It wasn't that he wasn't attracted to her anymore. He still was. Maybe he could stay with her. At least, that way, the ridicule wouldn't exist. No one would hate him for his feelings if he kept them bottled up. His future would shine because he was a "fine young man." 

Then again, would a future with Mindy mean living without the truth? What if Josh had stronger feelings for Drake than for Mindy? Josh couldn't stand lying, and he had no idea how he'd be able to live one.

He shook his head. He was being ridiculous. He had just discovered these feelings for Drake. Maybe it was just an awkward teenage phase. And why shouldn't it happen with Drake? He was an attractive guy, and he had kissed him, even if by mistake. That could be it. It was definitely possible.

Josh sat down at the kitchen table when Megan walked into the room. He realized, he _could_ ask her something.

"Hey, Megan," said Josh.

"What?" Megan asked.

"Can I ask you a question?"

"Why?"

"It's important."

"Fine," said Megan, rolling her eyes and sitting across from Josh at the table. "What do you want?"

"Um, okay, so when you like a boy, and he doesn't like you back, how does that make you feel?"

"You've got to be kidding."

"No, really. I want to know."

"Why?"

"I just...I just do."

"Okay. I feel bad. I mean, I like him, and he doesn't like me. That's no fun."

"But how do you get over that?" Josh asked.

"Why? Did Mindy get some sense and break up with you?" Megan asked.

"No," said Josh. "Why would I be asking you? I'd ask Drake."

"Yeah. Because the only girl who's ever broken up with Drake was inappropriate laughing Kelly. Oh, he was _so_ depressed after that," Megan said sarcastically.

"Okay, whatever. I'm just curious."

Megan sighed. Why did this boob want to know?

"I guess I'd hang out with my friends. They make me feel better. Now I have things to do upstairs."

"Things?"

"Yes," said Megan as she walked up the stairs. Josh looked around quickly and glanced underneath the table.


	6. Chapter 6

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything about or relating to "Drake & Josh." If I did, would I be writing this fanfiction? **

* * *

It was a week later, and Josh still couldn't figure this thing out. He'd tried to say something to Mindy a number of times, but he would normally get scared at the last second. Josh had no where else to turn. He knew this wouldn't look good, but he was going to ask Drake about the kiss again. It couldn't hurt. 

Josh climbed the stairs to the bedroom he and Drake shared and walked inside.

"What's up?" asked Drake.

"Hi," said Josh.

"Hi?" said Drake. "That's all you can say? You've barely talked to me all week."

It was true. Josh had felt the last person he could face was Drake, so he'd avoided him like the plague all week. He hadn't even gone to the doctor with him. That doctor visit thrilled then upset Drake. He didn't have to wear the sling anymore; however, he still wasn't allowed to touch his guitar for another couple weeks.

"I know," said Josh. "It's just...things have been..."

"You've been busy?" asked Drake. He picked up the instruction manual to the new video game Josh had bought and began to thumb through it.

"Sort of," Josh replied. Yeah, busy. Busy thinking about everything that had happened between them lately, analyzing every detail of their past. It was quite a lot to handle, and Josh felt that he was going to go crazy. If he didn't ask Drake again if he remembered the kiss, he was going to freak. "You know, I've been wondering."

"What?" asked Drake.

"Well, remember when I asked you about that kiss last week?"

"Yes," Drake responded.

"I wondered if you remembered now."

Drake rolled his eyes. Was Josh _ever_ going to stop bringing this up?

"No, Josh. I can't remember."

"Oh," said Josh.

"Is that disappointing?" Drake questioned.

"No," said Josh quickly. Well, it was disappointing, but Josh wasn't about to actually tell Drake that.

Drake stood up.

"Well," he said. "I've got a date tonight. I'll see you later."

"Yeah, see you," Josh replied quietly.

Drake left Josh alone to ponder his thoughts again. Josh sighed. What was he supposed to do now? This was all very confusing, and he had no one to talk to about this. Josh had been debating about going to his dad, but he was afraid of what he'd think.

But it wasn't like Josh could just erase these feelings. Had he always been attracted to men? Or was it just Drake who made him feel this way? Josh thought about it. He did like girls. Then he recalled watching _Pirates of the Caribbean_ with Drake. One of their guys' night out movies. That meant that it was a movie Drake actually wanted to watch and not pay almost twenty dollars for two tickets to make out in the dark. While Drake had been staring at Keira Knightley, Josh had been debating about what women saw in Johnny Depp and Orlando Bloom. Then he realized he was paying a bit too much attention to the men. He soon stopped. Maybe Josh was bi. It would explain why he had feelings for both Mindy and Drake. But Johnny Depp and Orlando Bloom were actors. Who wouldn't admit to them being attractive?

Josh pushed the thought away. But it came back quickly. He did have feelings for both Mindy and Drake. Maybe it was true. Josh's phone suddenly rang, interrupting his thoughts.

"Hello?" he said, answering it.

"Josh?" came Mindy's voice on the other end. "Where are you? We were supposed to meet fifteen minutes ago."

"Oh, man, Mindy," said Josh. "I'm so sorry." He was supposed to meet Mindy to work on a science project. "I'll be over as soon as I can."

"Josh," she began to question. "Is everything okay? You've seemed very distant the past few days."

"I'm fine," Josh lied.

"I don't think you are," said Mindy.

Josh sighed. He wasn't surprised. He was a very bad liar.

"I've just been a little confused lately," he said.

"About what?"

Josh had no idea how to respond. What could he say? He didn't want to tell her he had feelings for Drake. She wouldn't understand. And since Drake didn't feel the way Josh did, why should he jeopardize the relationship he had right now? It wasn't as though Drake was going to wake up the next morning and decide he felt the same way Josh did.

"About...about...the way Drake's been acting toward me lately. He hasn't exactly been acting like himself." There. It wasn't lying, and it wasn't telling Mindy everything either.

"Oh," said Mindy. "Well, his elbow has been the root of his behavior lately. Maybe it's just that."

"Maybe," said Josh.

"His sling is off now, right? He should be his normal self in no time."

"Yeah, you're right," said Josh. "Thanks. And I'll be there in twenty minutes."

"Okay," said Mindy. "See you then."

Josh closed his phone. He sighed. If he wanted to be happy, he couldn't tell Mindy how he felt. Maybe this would pass anyway. Maybe Drake was the only guy he'd ever be attracted to that way. Maybe he'd get over it like he got over all his other crushes in the past.

Yeah. Since he'd never been very lucky with love in the past, maybe he'd get over it like all the other girls before Mindy. The only problem with this time was that the person he had feelings for was closer than anyone he'd ever wanted in the past. But he was still so far away.


	7. Chapter 7

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything about or relating to "Drake & Josh." If I did, would I be writing this fanfiction? **

**A/N: Last chapter. I really don't know how to extend this story in particular beyond what it is. And the end is what I honestly think would happen.**

* * *

Josh was annoyed. He'd tried to get past this, but he couldn't. He couldn't stop thinking about Drake refusing to admit to anything. Not any feelings, not the kiss. Maybe Drake really didn't remember. But how did you forget something like that? Josh knew he himself couldn't forget it. Then again, Drake was in such a loopy state that it might have been possible that he did forget. That meant it didn't mean anything to Drake then. 

What was his deal anyway? Would it be that bad to admit that it happened? Maybe he wanted to see if he felt anything and figured if it had scared Josh he could just claim it was the painkillers? But then, if he had felt something, he would have wanted to talk about it. But Drake never was one to talk about his feelings. Maybe he felt nothing and decided to deny that it ever happened.

But, if it really was the pain medication, that was understandable. Why couldn't Drake just admit that he'd done it, say it was the painkillers, and move on? No. He chose to deny it. To Drake, nothing had happened, and that hurt Josh.

* * *

Drake walked into the bedroom while Josh was typing away at his computer. Drake silently went over to his refrigerator and pulled out a can of Mocha Cola. He had been a bit annoyed because of Josh constantly bugging him about the kiss. He still said nothing as he sat down on the couch and turned on the television. 

Josh sighed. Now Drake wasn't going to talk at all apparently. Drake turned on "Celebrities Under Water" and continued not to say anything. He turned up the volume a bit. Josh got annoyed with that. He was trying to write a paper.

"Drake," said Josh. "Do you mind turning that down? I have a paper due soon, and I need to concentrate."

Drake rolled his eyes and shut off the television. He picked up a guitar magazine and began to flip through it, still keeping silent.

"What is it with you?" asked Josh.

"Good question Josh," Drake responded. "I could ask you the same thing. Everytime we talk, you ask me if I remember kissing you, and everytime I give you the same answer. No, Josh, I don't remember it happening. Why does it bother you that I don't remember? Even if I did it, it was probably those painkillers."

"Yeah, that's what I figured," said Josh.

"So can we please drop it?" Drake asked.

"I can't," Josh said. He stopped. If Drake didn't feel that way about him, then he felt like an idiot spilling something like that. "I remember it even if you don't. It was just kinda..."

"Weird?" Drake asked.

"Sure," Josh sighed. He couldn't say what he really felt.

"Did I really creep you out?" Drake asked. He sounded concerned.

"N-no," Josh said.

"I didn't?" Drake asked. "I guess you could figure it was the painkillers, though."

"Sure," Josh responded again. This was going nowhere. Besides, Drake obviously didn't remember or didn't feel the same. "I'm sorry to ask you this again, but are you absolutely positive you do not remember that kiss?"

"Josh, I've told you about fifty times now. No. I don't remember. Now would you get off my back about it? If you know why I did it, then why bug me? Why is it so important to you to know whether I do remember or not?"

"It's...I just...there's no reason," Josh said. "I just wondered if you did. Then maybe we could have a good laugh about this later."

"Well, I don't," Drake stated. He got up and began to leave the bedroom. He stopped at the door, feeling guilty. Did this matter that much to Josh? Had he made him feel weird? Maybe he should...Drake sighed. He turned back around. "Josh, I haven't been honest. I do remember that."

"You do?" Josh asked, brightening a bit. "Then why say you didn't?"

"I think I wanted to tell myself that I hadn't done it because I like girls so much. I mean, come on, if any of them found that out, my reputation would sink."

"I guess so," Josh replied, feeling his heart sink.

"Sorry I lied to you, man, but it was kinda weird, and I didn't want it getting out. It was definitely just the painkillers, though."

"Oh, okay," said Josh, although he had been hoping for more.

"Trust me," said Drake. "I'm definitely not gay, so you don't have to worry about me being attracted to you if that was freaking you out."

"Oh," said Josh. "No, of course not. I mean, you, Drake Parker, gay? Ha ha. That's hilarious."

Deep down, Josh was hurting. He felt something toward Drake, and Drake didn't feel the same way. For some reason, it felt even worse than when Josh had had crushes on girls at school and learned they didn't like him that way. Why? Did this really mean that much to Josh? Of course it did. They were his feelings, and he didn't know what to do with them. Why did it hurt this bad?

* * *

A few days later, Drake walked up to the candy counter at the Premiere with his new girlfriend. 

"You know my brother, Josh," said Drake.

"Oh, yeah, hi," said the girl, shaking Josh's hand.

"Nice to meet you," Josh said. He sighed. The kiss hadn't meant anything to Drake. At least, it didn't based on what Josh was seeing right now.

"Can I get two Mocha Colas and a medium popcorn?" Drake asked.

"Sure," said Josh. He moved robotically. He really wished he had tried to pry more information out of Drake, but it was apparent the Drake didn't feel the same way that Josh had about that kiss. Josh handed Drake the snacks. Drake noticed his brother's strange behavior.

"Something wrong?" Drake asked.

"Oh, no," said Josh. "It's fine. It's just been a long day."

"Oh, okay," said Drake. He took advantage of Josh's mood to get away without paying for the popcorn and soda.

Josh watched Drake walk away from the candy counter with his girlfriend. Josh sighed and slowly wiped the counter. Drake absolutely refused to accept the idea that he was gay. He wouldn't even admit there was a possibility he was bi either. Then again, Drake was very high on the social ladder. He wanted to keep his popularity. He was well known among the female population of Belleview High for his good looks and musical talents. Who would want to give that up?

Yes, who would want to give all that up for a meaningful relationship? Not Drake, and it was just because that meaningful relationship would be with another guy. Forget about real love. Drake would rather fabricate a relationship with a girl just so he could stay popular. Drake Parker didn't care for anyone but himself.

But, what if it was just Josh? What if Drake had only finally admitted to kissing him just to keep him quiet? Maybe it had just been the painkillers. If so, that was even more disappointing to Josh. It took a loopy state for someone else to show a loving emotion toward him? Was Mindy really the only one who actually liked him for who he was? He thought about the girls he dated in the past. There was Susan. Well, he technically didn't date her. She was Drake's girlfriend, but what if she had done all that just to make Drake jealous? And why couldn't a nice girl like him? If she really had liked him, she would have talked to both brothers before the situation got out of hand. Then there was Allison, the teen model. The only reason she liked Josh was because of his lucky shirt. No, Mindy was the only one who ever really cared about him that way, unless Drake did, but he denied the fact that the kiss meant anything. He simply said it was the painkillers and that Josh should stop focusing on it. The problem was, Josh couldn't stop focusing on it because it did mean something to him.

Josh wasn't sure whether to continue his relationship with Mindy or not. She was nice and caring, but she wasn't Drake. Was Josh just going to live a lie? Maybe it wasn't just Drake. Maybe there would be other men. Maybe he could get past what he actually wanted with Drake.

Josh sighed. No, he wouldn't break up with Mindy. He still cared about her. He wasn't going to put his life on hold waiting for something that would never come, considering how stubborn Drake was. No, Josh would be happy. He wasn't going to let Drake's selfishness ruin it.

But Drake had admitted to the kiss, finally, and that one moment was what left Josh happy. It meant that if he truly did remember, then it had meant something to Drake. In that one moment where Drake had admitted what he'd done, there was hope.

* * *

**A/N: Yep, that is how I think it would end in this situation. Some things are open ended, but remember, you've been reading through Josh's eyes, so some questions would be unanswered in this type of ending. I hope you enjoyed.**


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